haven't blogged in about a month - haven't blogged in prose for the longest time. Maybe I'll start now, might as well.
The past week was draining, sitting for our first formal exam in our two years of JC.
Step into the hall feeling a little hesitant, anticipating the end before even beginning, gauging my personal level of unpreparedness. Fiddled around with my windbreaker, bit my fingers, shuffled some paper. Step out of the hall, and realize that you know, or are able to apply, much less than you thought you would be able to, a sigh - of relief and of resign.
Regardless, it's over and I'm tired. Thankful (hopefully), but tired.
opened up some old wounds, coupled with a few recurring questions.
it was always about how you felt, never about how i did. what you thought was right, what you thought should be done, what you thought would be best. when you spend months throwing the same questions at the person for a variety of circumstances, an array of obstacles, you have no reason, or right, to question that decision.
okay, thank you, what a wise choice, goodbye.
but what resulted was a tiring cycle of apart, together, apart, together. when a wave of realization hits you, you cling on again. when this waves subsides, the next wave will urge you to pick everything up, run, let go. round and round and round we go, and i'm tired of accommodating your fancies. if it doesn't tire you out, it makes me exhausted, and i'm still waiting for the closure i doubt i will ever get.
grow up and make better decisions.
think, think. you can't go through your life shrugging your shoulders, looking away. make smarter, better choices. think, think.
how can you tell people not to bear any regrets, when you're drowning in a sea of your own.
how many times do i have to remind myself to get my priorities straight.
grow up, think.
are you getting tired of me yet?
i'm sorry, i didn't mean to
i love you.