Wednesday, January 11, 2012

perpetual confusion



Terrible mood the past few days, forgive me. I don't know when I'll get out of this. Something tells me that I never will. 2012 is going to be eerily lonely. I'm not looking forward to facing the year alone, no, not after 2011. I hate myself why do I have to suck so much. I used to do these when I felt terrible to make myself feel less directionless but I don't know if they'll work anymore. Or that they'll just remind me of when I was happier and content with life and everything was going well and I had what I needed and I was sufficiently busy but not deathly busy and I didn't feel the urge to kill myself every few hours.

I was drowning in my own memories during Chinese today.

What are you listening to right now?
The radio

What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
Why should I put it here ~

What was the last thing you ate?
Dinner. I didn't want to eat.

Favorite type of Food?
Jap. Yay.

Do you want children?
Depends. I'm not too sure. Wait 10 years and maybe I'll tell you then.

Favorite holiday?
ROCs2/3 I guess.

Favorite Season?
I don't like it when its too cold.

Last Movie you Watched?
A Walk To Remember (for the second time hahaha)

What books are you reading?
My Chem/SS/Physics textbooks.

Favorite Movie?
My Sister's Keeper / The Lovely Bones.

Who would you like to see right now?
Nobody la who would want to see me at 10PM at night. Psh.

Do you like to travel by plane?
Nope, I don't like plane rights tbh.

Right-handed or Left-handed?

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Heaven. Straightaway please I do not wish to live (physically) any longer.

Are you missing someone?
Yes. Badly. But it wouldn't change anything.

Do you have a tattoo?
No ew.

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
No. I have better things to do.
Like study.

Are you hiding something from someone?
I am hiding something from everyone (but one)

Are you 18?

Did you get enough sleep last night?
No. My eyecircles sux.

First thing you thought about this morning?
"Why am I alive lmao good morning"

Are you afraid of the dark?
Very. I am afraid of a lot of things.

Favourite hangout?

3 things you can't live without?
God. My text/assessments books. Idk. Company.

What are your nicknames?
Eds / Ed

First thing you'll save in a fire?
Not myself ^____^

What are the things you always take with you?
Phone + Wallet + Pen + Carol bear.

What did you wanna be when you were a kid?
A teacher. No shit.

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
Lol what am I supposed to do, make a wish?

What do you think about before you go to bed?
"Finally, it is time to sleep."

Today, Linx shared with me a verse he got from Felly after reading all my er, .... tweets. "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are things I will do; I will not forsake them"  -- Isaiah 42:16.
The past few days I have felt really directionless and so overwhelmed and alone. I realise how I don't tell my friends my problems, for the main reason that I'm not comfortable sharing about myself to people (like hahaha nothing implied or anything I like all my friends and all but) and my problems and stuff and like so I don't know how things are going to turn out without you but. So much work as well, got really pissed off during Chem today with her slipshodness, I am paving my own way to my failure. I'm so scared I'm going to fail chem this year. And like, back to the verse, haha, I think God's trying to tell me now to worry too much like that He'll be there and all and this is definitely something new. And I'm trying la trying really hard. (but sometimes trying isn't enough right? that's what i've learnt, anyway)

I am literally afraid of everything that will come. Gg to tackle 2012 alone, I never thought it would come to this. I'm not ALONE alone, I know I have God, I know I have my friends, but. I'll be alone. Anyway, I must really thank my churchies for being such encouragements the past few days. Thanks Jess & Linx, you guys are so sweet and I love the both of you.